MCL Top Five

I have recently converted to the newest, truest religion sweeping Vanderbilt’s campus in an immense, divine Wave. Now I take up my pen to share my joy with my fellow students, and to inform them of the one true Faith. Here are the top five reasons you should convert to the worship of our lord and savior, Bob Red Mill, today.

1. His Apple Pieces and Cinnamon Oatmeal

Bob’s Apple Pieces and Cinnamon Oatmeal is the most perfect oatmeal ever to exist in this world. This is only natural, as the works of Bob were not formulated in this world, with its mean narrow minds and arbitrary physical limits. Bob Red Mill stretched down his hand from his Mill among the stars and gifted to His first devotees the secret of His delicious microwaveable oatmeal. To those who seek to understand its mysteries, who spread the sugar mixture among the oats in the correct motions and sequence, it reveals wisdom from the stardust realm of the Great Cereals, beyond the Milky Way. And like all of His greatest works, it is Gluten Free! A miracle!

2. His Blueberry Hazelnut Oatmeal

Bob’s Blueberry Hazelnut Oatmeal is an ecstatic experience beyond our rational understanding. Simply taste this oatmeal once, properly mixed by the spoon of a devotee, and you will ascend to another state of existence, nay, a new state of being. The blueberries, dark and luscious! The hazelnuts, subtle and nutty! The hint of salt, the mingling of Opposites, savory and sweet…! Oh, it is not possible to convey in our limited human language the brilliance of Bob Red Mill’s Blueberry Hazelnut Oatmeal. And this, too, is Gluten Free. Wonder of wonders!

3. His benevolent Visage

His wondrous Face beams out from the top of every oatmeal cup, giving us leave to contemplate His divine image. His friendly Gaze, his light blue hat, his skinny Southern tie with the buckle thing on it, his immaculate white Mustache and Beard. He looks like a grandfather, or a wise old uncle. This is a trustworthy Face, a reassuring Face. As a devout worshiper of Bob Red Mill, I have achieved enlightenment; my only remaining desire in this life is to sit beside Him at his Mill and hear his stories of the worlds beyond the Great Cereals.

4. His Bounty of miscellaneous food products and assorted grains

Bob Red Mill, in His greatness, did not only give us exceptional oatmeals, but also a wide range of whole-grain and other food products. His grains are ground with holy quartz millstones in several 120-year-old mills, if they are not older, representations on this mortal plane of His supreme Red Mill beyond the Milky Way. He has imparted unto us more than 400 products that we know of, and perhaps many more that we do not. According to Becky Hughes at Epicurious.com, just 8 Bob’s Red Mill products will change the way you cook–forever. This prophetess of Bob informs us that these are the flours, grains, and starches your pantry is missing. Is it such a stretch to imagine that Bob Red Mill might also provide the cosmic grains and starches that your spirit is missing?

5. The unique perfection of His doctrine

Of course, those unbelievers seeking to undermine our dogma always seem to come to the same fundamental issue, and it is a valid theological question, to be sure. If all the rest of His works so magnificent, why did He create his–I shudder to speak its name–Gluten Free Classic Oatmeal? What place has this abomination, this flavorless, strangely acidic monstrosity, among His revealed Oatmeals? Well, in answer I pose another question. Why would any god permit evil in the world? If you can come to any conclusion that satisfies you, take that conclusion and insert Gluten Free Classic Oatmeal wherever you see evil or sin. Then ask yourself: Can evil or sin as defined in your belief system be made palatable to a moral man with only a sparing addition of natural sugar? It cannot; in fact, ours is the only religion in which such a transformation can be achieved. These are the Wonders of Bob Red Mill; these are his divine Mysteries. Search your conscience, and you will know He truly deserves your reverence, and your meal swipes.  No meal swipe spent on Bob’s Red Mill is ever truly lost, but rather multiplied and magnified in His glory.   Bob Red Mill, most ancient of the Ancient Grains, Milliner of Kings!

In conclusion: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, and Bob is the Breakfast of our souls. So it has been Written, and so it shall remain.

If you’ve ever wondered about the crazy facts, creepy stories, and…other aspects of Vanderbilt and its history that Admissions won’t touch with a ten-foot pole, you’ll love this great list of weird stuff I found on the internet! From the Scooby-Doo equivalent of insurance fraud to secret government science projects to, uh, some technicalities about trees, here are MCL’s top five urban legends that are actually, probably, true.

1. Cornelius Vanderbilt may have been the victim of a paranormal inheritance scheme.

The Commodore’s involvement with spiritualism was long, eventful, and occasionally scandalous. I cannot recommend strongly enough this fascinating article that deals with it more extensively. After the Commodore’s death, he left around 95% of his considerable estate to his son William, leaving comparatively little to his one other surviving son and nine daughters, according to Wikipedia (but it’s totally reputable, I swear). Three of the children sued, stating that their elderly father was not in his right mind and unduly influenced by William when he drew up the will and therefore it was not valid.

The juiciest of these allegations was that William paid a spiritualist employed by Cornelius, a Mr. Stoddard, to claim that William was the only trustworthy child who should inherit, and that the rest hated him and eagerly awaited his demise. Stoddard reportedly followed orders, going into a “trance” and pretending to channel the spirit of William’s dead mother Sophia, Cornelius’ first wife.

Although the disputing children lost the case after a two-year trial (Cornelius had always been noted for his incredibly strong, stubborn will and William had served as operations manager of his business empire in his final years), their brother did afterward grant his siblings a greater share of his inheritance, probably to avoid further scandal but hopefully also out of some positive fraternal feeling. As for the truth of the matter with the lying psychic, now only the ghosts know for sure.

2. There’s a (possibly) haunted cemetery on Vanderbilt campus.

On the topic of the undead, you may have noticed that there are a few statues, plaques, and other features resembling actual gravesites on campus. The fabulously named Bishop Holland Nimmons McTyeire, who has been called the driving force behind the founding of Vanderbilt University, is interred in a cemetery behind the Divinity School along with his wife, Amelia Townsend; Landon Garland, Vandy’s first chancellor; and several prominent bishops from the area whose graves Bishop McTyeire actually had moved to campus soon after its founding. (Gross.)

Chancellor Kirkland’s 1893 inaugural address noted of McTyeire, “[U]nder the shade of magnolias that his own hand planted, he sleepeth well.” McTyeire’s headstone–though luckily not his remains, and hopefully not his ghostly emanation–wandered Vanderbilt campus quite a bit after his burial, finally ending up in the Office of the University Chaplain and Religious Life in 2014. And yes, there are nonspecific rumors of his cemetery being haunted.

Unfortunately for anyone of the gothic persuasion among MCL’s readership, there’s no official map of the gravesites, headstones, and other memorials on Vanderbilt campus, but if there is a zombie apocalypse we have to assume the campus epicenter would be the Divinity School cemetery, meaning the undead would probably reach freshman housing in the order of Towers, Branscomb, and finally Commons, and optimistically they might be prevented from reaching Commons by traffic on 21st Avenue. Just another perk to living in Towers!

3. The Free Electron Laser was originally built to defend against missile attacks.

The Vanderbilt University Free Electron Laser was originally developed by the Department of Defense as part of a missile defense program. However, its medical capabilities were soon prioritized, and in 2000 it was one of only five FEL centers in the country and the only one equipped to perform, and successful in performing, surgical operations. That year, in the first ever clinical use of such an instrument, a surgical team led by Dr. Michael Copeland used the FEL to remove a three centimeter-wide section of a golf ball-sized tumor on the surface of a woman’s brain.

The patient, 78-year-old Virginia Whitaker from Kansas City, wasn’t frightened by the fact that she was the first person ever to undergo such a procedure; in fact, she said of the surgery, “I think it’s a wonderful opportunity to help other people in my situation as well as to help the doctors learn more. That’s why I did it….For me, this had to be done no matter what, so it’s good that maybe it can help other people too.”

4. There’s a colony of monkeys in Wilson Hall.

Macaques, specifically. The monkeys are housed in an AAALAC-accredited animal care facility and used in psychology research. Since this Top 5 is very much not a robust or possibly even accurate academic source, you can learn much more about the Schall Lab’s monkey business at http://www.psy.vanderbilt.edu/faculty/schall/projects/. There appear to be three major projects running, along with some collaborative projects on the side; the major projects involve the neurological activity underlying target selection (for example, finding a T among Ls or an L among Ts), neural control and monitoring of saccadic eye movements, and Stochastic models of cognition and neurons.

5. The Vanderbilt campus is (kind of!) an arboretum.

It’s complicated. Vandy was first called an arboretum in May 1879 by a publication called “Vanderbilt University Contributions 1878-79” found in the Vanderbilt University Special Collections and University Archives, which was, documentation-wise, the sole basis of its claims to arboretum-ness for most of its history. To be fair, there isn’t really one official definition of an arboretum out there; several organizations that accredit them have been founded more recently, and they tend to have different criteria.

The Vanderbilt arboretum really is impressive. It hosted 6,181 labeled trees in 2013, the oldest and most iconic being the Bicentennial Oak, which was alive during the Revolutionary War. The arboretum website is pretty cool and includes a list of “Ghost Trees of Vanderbilt Past,” which is wonderfully dramatic. (The URL is also excellent.)

In 1988 Vandy was registered as an arboretum with the American Public Gardens Association, and in October 2020 it received Level II out of IV accreditation from ArbNet, an international arboretum certification organization. Initially I thought that Level I was the pinnacle of academic arboriculture and therefore we aren’t far off, but in reality, the highest level of achievement is Level IV. (Harvard has it. Grr.) Achieving Level II does of course have some impressive and stringent criteria, but as I am not an arboriculturalist I was distracted laughing at the requirement that there be “one or more arboretum employees.”

Nowhere on the ArbNet website could I find the term “national arboretum,” and ArbNet is, in fact, an international organization. Furthermore, my research suggests that while there exists the US National Arboretum in DC, being a national arboretum…isn’t a real thing. Lacking the patience for such fine distinctions, the Vanderbilt official website does in fact state that we are a national arboretum; finding this hilariously bold and completely unqualified claim was the highlight of my research. (If it’s not there when you read this, it means someone in Admissions read my article and edited it out, in which case on one hand I’m flattered and thank you for reading, but on the other hand you are now my enemy and shall remain so until death.)

If you want more information, you can check out this great Hustler article on the subject! Tree geeks.

Bonus! Two more wild stories…

6. In other Cornelius news, Cornelius Vanderbilt apparently once said, “If I had learned education I would not have had time to learn anything else.” This makes slightly more sense when you consider the various sources stating that he funded the university at his second wife’s request. Fascinatingly enough, the admissions website also attributes to him the quote, “Though I never had any education, no man has ever felt the lack more than I have, and no man appreciates the value of it more than I do and believes more than I do what it will do in the future.” Is this evidence of character growth?  Character deterioration?  Who knows; I couldn’t find dates for the quotes.

7. Al Gore dropped out of Vanderbilt twice, first failing out of the Divinity School and then leaving Vandy’s law school, and he was particularly badly at college science. Apparently he and Bill Clinton “shared one surprising trait from their school years, a tendency to procrastinate on subjects that did not enthrall them and then cram at the last minute.” Same. Check out this Washington Post article for a more complete account of his trials and travails; I hope it gives the chem students some comfort, or at least dulls the pain. We probably should’ve published this closer to midterms.

1. Seeing your pets

Needs no explanation.  Generally people’s top priority.

2. Getting coffee from *your* Starbucks

Or, like, taco place, mall outlet, favorite DMV building, etc.  That sort of thing.  Personally, I buy my coffee at home from an unaffiliated coffee shop with pretentious bookshelves, lots of hipsters, and, allegedly, roaches.  A dealbreaker for many, but luckily I haven’t yet seen one with my own eyes, so I will continue to order my tall coffee latte boba with medium ice about once every two weeks and very deliberately not look under the furniture.

3. Seeing your family

Haven’t you missed throwing down with your siblings physically and verbally over your/their clothing while your mom stands in the doorway telling you to eat more fruit?  Ah, those were the days.

4. Pets again

But will Geoffrey the banana snake remember me??  (Hint: It’s unlikely.)

5. Your home climate

Some of us are going home to a nice balmy 65 degree winter with minimal wind, fashionable but not particularly durable sweaters, and hot chocolate mainly prepared for aesthetic reasons.  Some of us are going home to wear six layers in ten inches.  If you belong to the latter category, please know that as a Californian who dodged the wildfires and heatwave-induced power outages, I will be laughing at you for the entire break.

1. Check your travel dates against tests and major assignments

You may have to work ahead on something, so now is a very good time to check!  I, personally, have a thesis and report due the evening that I fly out.  I definitely would not want to be discovering that conflict in the middle of packing frantically at 2 a.m. the night before.

2. Make sure you’re clear on your state’s travel restrictions

Linked here is a very nice alphabetized list with some extra state-specific considerations noted, although you can also find plenty of other resources by just googling your state if you’re, say, a Wisconsin native and too lazy to scroll down a page or two.

3. Strategically schedule your next load of laundry

If you’re totally okay with stuffing a bunch of dirty clothes and sheets in a box to marinate in their own sweat stains for two months, then by all means ignore this one.  Otherwise, you should probably try to get one last load in a few days before you go so you can pack all of your remaining dirty stuff in your suitcase to wash and fumigate in the comfort of your own home.  If you’re on Commons this semester, you may want to try to do this a little earlier than the rest of us, given what’s been said about the tragic (or nonexistent) state of many of the houses’ laundry rooms.

4. Get a few days ahead on work

This is sort of an addendum to Recommendation #1.  Even if you don’t need to take jetlag into account, no one is going to want to be writing a whole paper, perfecting an instrument solo, or finishing up a lab report the day after five-to-ten hours of travel (or more!), so it’s probably a good idea to finish everything for the next day or two before you head out.  I’m saying this mostly because my Psych textbook taught me that two great ways to motivate yourself to achieve a goal are to write it down and tell people about it.  Whether I, personally, will actually muster the self-discipline to do this is extremely uncertain.  But it’s still good advice!

5. Take a break to notice how pretty campus is

If you are, like me, from a region not blessed with the tiny bundles of joy men call chipmunks in anywhere near the abundance Nashville seems to take for granted, then make sure you stop and pay attention, next time you see a chipmunk, to how absolutely adorable they are!  And also, sure, golden hour here is incredible; for maybe an hour before sunset all the red brick is warm and glowy and the falling leaves catch the sunlight on their way down, and the sky is a fantastic gradient of blues, and all the really good sunsets reflect beautifully off the windows on 25th Ave.  I highly recommend taking a walk somewhere around 4 p.m. before you head home. 🙂

1. This $3.99 disco ghost from the CVS checkout line

This funky phantasm is hands-down the best purchase I have ever made.  The lightbulb inside his head generally works on the third try or so, and from then on he syncs with absolutely any piece of music, flashing frantically in all colors of the rainbow.  Moreover, his friendly face fills me with joy whenever I return to my room.  His name is Pierre, and you can find him in the CVS checkout line, along with assorted squishy spiders and anatomically incorrect bat skeletons.  Go forth and impulse-shop, my festive brethren!

2. The giant Home Depot skeleton

This extremely friendly skeleton is all the rage lately, especially among suburban dads who want to make their kids think they’re cool and/or who feel an immense loyalty toward their local department stores.  Our bony buddy is 12 feet tall and disturbingly prolific; it seems like everywhere you turn these days you encounter the cheerful grin of everyone’s favorite improbably mass-produced monstrosity.  What factory manufactures this calcium-loving comrade?  How does one transport him?  After Halloween, in what insufficient corner of the attic will he be laboriously stored?  We here at MCL can answer none of your questions; we only know that while we love him for his whimsy in the here and now, we would not want to meet this guy when he still had skin.

3. Pumpkin-themed fairy lights

What can we say?  They’re a classic.

4. Candles, a pentagram, and various herbs

Are you bored with the daily grind of collegiate academic life?  Have you been meaning to become more adept in the forbidden arts?  Well, then this decoration set is perfect for you.  It’s functional and fashionable, a stellar addition to the depressing, dimly lit lair of even the trendiest dark warlock, necromancer, or math major.  Don’t have time to finish your chem lab and write that pesky Spanish essay?  Summon a demon to do your chem work for you!  Your life is going to turn into either a horror movie or a supernatural romance very quickly–and the chances on those options are pretty much 50-50–but whichever happens, it’ll definitely be more interesting than el modo subjuntivo.

5. Somebody’s arm

So I was chatting at the door of my friend’s dorm a few days ago and I was like, “Hey, what’s that sticking out of the door of your fridge?”  And she was like “Haha what?  There’s nothing in my fridge.”  And I was like “Haha, it looks like fingers.  And is that ketchup on your wall?”  And she looked really nervous for a moment, and then she must have remembered that she’d put up decorations because she went to close the fridge.  I didn’t really get to fully appreciate it because she sort of kept her body in the way so that I couldn’t get a good look, but right when she opened the fridge door it flopped halfway out and I could see that it was a fake arm!  And it looked so realistic, very festive!  Gosh, my friend is so cool; I’m so glad we’re suitemates. 🙂

In honor of the rainy weekend, here are five great ways to make the most of the 2020 hurricane season!

1. Alternative slip-‘n-sliding on the Commons Lawn

The Vanderbilt administration would like you to believe that in order to slip-‘n-slide, you need equipment.  A rubber slide, a hose, swimsuits.  Don’t be fooled.  All you truly need to slip-‘n-slide is water and confidence.  That’s why alternative slip-‘n-sliding will be held on the Commons Lawn throughout the entire rainy season.  Any sort of board to ride on is prohibited; if you’re not a coward, you’ll throw yourself headfirst down the nearest grassy hill in the rain, and you’ll enjoy it.  (MyCommonsLife is not officially a sponsor of alternative slip-‘n-sliding, and is not responsible for any injuries that may occur.  Any attempts to hold MyCommonsLife responsible will be regarded as defamation and will result in a counterclaim.  We will take you for everything you have.  Sue at your own risk.)

2. Adopt a frog

As we all know, frogs of any species make excellent pets, delicacies, and friends.  They’re widely available, probably not endangered, probably not poisonous, and vaguely trendy.  And luckily, we at Vanderbilt have our own local pond, practically next door in Centennial Park!  Next time it rains, you should poke a few holes in, like, a tupperware or something and head straight down to the gloomy, twisting, and completely deserted paths of Centennial Park to catch yourself an amphibious friend.  Your RA will probably be fine with it; we all know they did worse when they were freshmen. And your little froggy buddy will no doubt be very happy to live out his days in a takeout container on your desk, sandwiched aesthetically between your possibly dead cacti and that Nalgene you keep meaning to wash out. There are absolutely no downsides to this activity!

3. Reenact that one scene from The Notebook

Y’know, the one where they’re out in a field and it’s raining, and the two main characters are wearing their thinnest, loosest clothing to strategically display their six-figure paychecks?  If you say you’ve never once in your life wanted to become Ryan Gosling, you’re lying.  And it’s so easy!  Unless you’re a stickler for authenticity (in which case good luck with the whole cheating-on-your-husband thing), all you really need to do to shake off those rainy-day blues is dig out a business-casual shirt or blouse and find someone who’s good at clinging and looking tragic.  It shouldn’t be too hard, we all have that one friend.

4. Cavort across the grasses and declare yourself the Rain Queene

Who couldst she be, that Wilde Apparition, spinning madly amidst the Tempeste?  It is the Rain Queene, alle yea peasants bow down!  She bringeth down storme and terror, lightning flashing in her terrible Visage, and yet in her passinge is the greater dread, her pale bony Doubling, the lady Drought.  All haile the Rain Queene, for her mercy and her horrors, the Thunder and the great creeping Thinges which settle amongste the dripping branches!  All haile the mistresse of the Darkened Sun!  Bow down!  Bow down!

5. Actually do your homework

Yeah, Jason, I’m talking to you.  Just get it done. Jeez.

1. Technical difficulties

Dear Professor,

I am writing to request an extension on the final project for this semester.  My paper and presentation were almost complete when my emotional support hedgehog, Spike Lee, chewed through my laptop and swallowed the hard drive, and then escaped into my building’s vent system.  All 23 of my floormates and two RAs have been helping me search for him for the past nine hours, but he is truly nowhere to be found.  Unfortunately, without the hard drive, I will have to start the project again from scratch, which will require a deadline extension of at least three weeks, barring Spike’s recapture.  Please let me know if this will be possible at your earliest convenience.

Sincerely,

Matthew B.

2. Illness or injury

Hello prfessor

I amsorry to bother you but i am writing to let you know that this morningg i tripped on th piwr th power cord for my fairy lights andfell down eight flights off stairs to the lonbby.  I broke bothh my arms and 16 vertebrae’s, and theyr saying they may have to replace all f my kidneys.  I am currantl currently typingthis with my nose from a hospitals bed while high off my veryhigh on codeine.  as such i would very appreciate an extension of 1-2 days on the essayay.  i have to go now they are going to operate onmy spleen.

very love, yuor student, laney

3. Prevented from preparing adequately

Hi, Professor,

I’m sorry to bother you, but would it be possible to request an extension on the test this afternoon?  Last night at about 4 am I was walking to the microwave to reheat my oolong when I stumbled and knocked into the wall.  My main study method for the sciences is to cut up the textbook pages and make a wall collage with concepts connected by red string like a TV conspiracy theorist (for liberal arts classes, of course, I use chicken wire and Munchie protein bars to represent the concepts in effigy), and so unfortunately I became entangled in the string and pulled all of my newspaper clippings and diagrams off the wall.  I stepped on at least three tacks and my study materials were blown out the open window.  In light of the circumstances, could I possibly have an extension?  I’ve collected most of my materials from across campus and the last few diagrams were reported near Blair, so I can get back to studying very soon.

Thank you,

Jason

4. Unavoidable conflicts

Hello, Professor:

I’m working remotely, and this week was a bit crazy.  I had to drive my youngest sister to four soccer tournaments, my middle brother is having an identity crisis after dropping out of med school, the dog ate all of my neighbors’ azaleas, my youngest brother burned down the doghouse, my parents both have the flu, and the baby will not stop screaming.  Would it be possible to grant me an extension on Essay #3?  Just until my noise-canceling headphones arrive and I settle the neighbors’ legal suit for property damage. And I should also figure out where my brother got the lighter fluid.  I’m so sorry for the inconvenience; I’m sure you’re very busy!  Please let me know what you decide.

Regards,

Anqi

5. Miscellaneous

Dear professor,

i am so hung over.  please