MCL’s Top 5 Reasons You Should Join the Cult of Bob’s Red Mill Oatmeal

I have recently converted to the newest, truest religion sweeping Vanderbilt’s campus in an immense, divine Wave. Now I take up my pen to share my joy with my fellow students, and to inform them of the one true Faith. Here are the top five reasons you should convert to the worship of our lord and savior, Bob Red Mill, today.

1. His Apple Pieces and Cinnamon Oatmeal

Bob’s Apple Pieces and Cinnamon Oatmeal is the most perfect oatmeal ever to exist in this world. This is only natural, as the works of Bob were not formulated in this world, with its mean narrow minds and arbitrary physical limits. Bob Red Mill stretched down his hand from his Mill among the stars and gifted to His first devotees the secret of His delicious microwaveable oatmeal. To those who seek to understand its mysteries, who spread the sugar mixture among the oats in the correct motions and sequence, it reveals wisdom from the stardust realm of the Great Cereals, beyond the Milky Way. And like all of His greatest works, it is Gluten Free! A miracle!

2. His Blueberry Hazelnut Oatmeal

Bob’s Blueberry Hazelnut Oatmeal is an ecstatic experience beyond our rational understanding. Simply taste this oatmeal once, properly mixed by the spoon of a devotee, and you will ascend to another state of existence, nay, a new state of being. The blueberries, dark and luscious! The hazelnuts, subtle and nutty! The hint of salt, the mingling of Opposites, savory and sweet…! Oh, it is not possible to convey in our limited human language the brilliance of Bob Red Mill’s Blueberry Hazelnut Oatmeal. And this, too, is Gluten Free. Wonder of wonders!

3. His benevolent Visage

His wondrous Face beams out from the top of every oatmeal cup, giving us leave to contemplate His divine image. His friendly Gaze, his light blue hat, his skinny Southern tie with the buckle thing on it, his immaculate white Mustache and Beard. He looks like a grandfather, or a wise old uncle. This is a trustworthy Face, a reassuring Face. As a devout worshiper of Bob Red Mill, I have achieved enlightenment; my only remaining desire in this life is to sit beside Him at his Mill and hear his stories of the worlds beyond the Great Cereals.

4. His Bounty of miscellaneous food products and assorted grains

Bob Red Mill, in His greatness, did not only give us exceptional oatmeals, but also a wide range of whole-grain and other food products. His grains are ground with holy quartz millstones in several 120-year-old mills, if they are not older, representations on this mortal plane of His supreme Red Mill beyond the Milky Way. He has imparted unto us more than 400 products that we know of, and perhaps many more that we do not. According to Becky Hughes at Epicurious.com, just 8 Bob’s Red Mill products will change the way you cook–forever. This prophetess of Bob informs us that these are the flours, grains, and starches your pantry is missing. Is it such a stretch to imagine that Bob Red Mill might also provide the cosmic grains and starches that your spirit is missing?

5. The unique perfection of His doctrine

Of course, those unbelievers seeking to undermine our dogma always seem to come to the same fundamental issue, and it is a valid theological question, to be sure. If all the rest of His works so magnificent, why did He create his–I shudder to speak its name–Gluten Free Classic Oatmeal? What place has this abomination, this flavorless, strangely acidic monstrosity, among His revealed Oatmeals? Well, in answer I pose another question. Why would any god permit evil in the world? If you can come to any conclusion that satisfies you, take that conclusion and insert Gluten Free Classic Oatmeal wherever you see evil or sin. Then ask yourself: Can evil or sin as defined in your belief system be made palatable to a moral man with only a sparing addition of natural sugar? It cannot; in fact, ours is the only religion in which such a transformation can be achieved. These are the Wonders of Bob Red Mill; these are his divine Mysteries. Search your conscience, and you will know He truly deserves your reverence, and your meal swipes.  No meal swipe spent on Bob’s Red Mill is ever truly lost, but rather multiplied and magnified in His glory.   Bob Red Mill, most ancient of the Ancient Grains, Milliner of Kings!

In conclusion: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, and Bob is the Breakfast of our souls. So it has been Written, and so it shall remain.