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Paige Elliott

MCL’s Top 5 Alternative Vandy Mascots

April 27, 2021 by Paige Elliott

Mr. C. scares us very much. He has horrible blinding teeth and bad hair, and we feel like he definitely can kill and indeed has killed students using his chin as a bludgeoning weapon. For this reason, we thought we’d propose some alternative mascots to Mr. C., characters who we feel are much less likely to send us online death threats or mug us with a large blade in a dark alley. Without further adieu, Vandy, here are your candidates!

1. Geoffrey the Killer Cone Snail

We still want our mascot to be intimidating, but not just in a vaguely pervy way. If you want a mascot who poses a very real threat, look no further than Geoffrey the Killer Cone Snail. On the surface, sure, he’s a snail. Small, cute, harmless. That is, until he burrows under the sand to lie in ambush, harpoons an unsuspecting fish bigger than him with a razor sharp needle-like tooth on the end of a rapidly extending proboscis, and delivers a mix of more than a hundred neurotoxins so potent that there is no existing antidote, immobilizing the fish before killing it. Geoffrey then reels the fish into his throat on his proboscis and engulfs it. Yes, he swallows fish bigger than him whole. Some of them possibly still alive and paralyzed when he does it. And the venom can indeed kill humans.

UC Santa Cruz had the right idea, but they just missed the mark. Geoffrey, on the other hand, never misses. Ole Miss, better watch your back….

2. Torgo the Tulip Poplar

If Stanford can do it, why can’t we? Show your appreciation for the remarkable arboreal ecology of Tennessee by adopting Torgo the Tulip Poplar, the Tennessee State Tree, as our mascot in place of Mr. C! Elegant and formidable but somehow friendly, with his hardy flowers and strong trunk, Torgo is just the kind of kid-friendly mascot we need to inject some state loyalty and environmentalist fervor into the world of Vandy athletics.

3. Hvitserk the Historically Accurate Viking

He wields a great Ulfberth steel sword with blood grooves, and he has served five times in the shield wall of a great army. He fought under Ubbi Ragnarsson for years and earned two silver armbands for his valor and cleverness in battle. He loves mead, gold, and his wife and children back in Frisia. Last week he brutally murdered six monks. His favorite cheer is “ek þirbijaR ungandiR im, heþro dweno k!  lina laukaR f!” and he does expect you to learn it. Please don’t make any comments about horns; we won’t be held responsible for what happens next.

4. Camilla the Career Adviser

Camilla wants Vandy’s athletic teams to win the game, but she also wants them to be realistic. She’s often late to halftime shows because she was networking with the other team’s coach. She can afford to meet for forty minutes with that tennis game tomorrow, but they really should have scheduled further ahead. But if you want a mascot who wants the best for you, who’ll support you through thick and thin, who’s probably seen you cry, and who may or may not have a secret stash of candy in her office, Camilla is the one for you.

5. Clyde

We did something. Something terrible.

We underestimated the anathema that lurks beneath the human consciousness, bleeding out clotted and aching onto the fringes of imagination. And now we will be punished by our own corruption. What we’re trying to say is the mascot-making…it went too far.

Shh! What was that? A whisper on the wind.

It will hear us. It always hears us. Oh god, what have we wrought….

Clyde is very cuddly and good at cheers. Please vote Clyde for Vandy’s new mascot.

Filed Under: Features, Humor, MCL Top Five

MCL Quiz: Are You Ready for Finals?

April 20, 2021 by Paige Elliott

With just five questions, we’ll determine and let you know exactly how miserable you’re going to be for the next few weeks! Have fun 🙂

Filed Under: Features, Humor

Guessing Your Childhood TV Faves

April 6, 2021 by Paige Elliott

In just four questions, this quiz will figure out your favorite childhood TV shows. It’s like we’re psychic! Except that no, this is science, and we are 150% accurate at all times. If your results aren’t accurate, then we guess you lied on the quiz. For shame.

Filed Under: Features, Humor

Which of the 16 Vandy Personalities Are You?

March 23, 2021 by Paige Elliott

Based on the celebrated Schmyers-Mriggs Personality Test, this short quiz will definitively tell you who you are as a person by assigning you one of the 16 official Vanderbilt University personality types. And unlike all those other personality diagnostics floating around the internet and sneaking into the interview processes for multimillion-dollar corporations, this 8-question quiz is 100% accurate. Don’t agree with your results? Well, then either you need to do some soul-searching or you answered the quiz wrong, so feel free to give it another try!

Filed Under: Features, Humor

MCL’s Top 5 Microwave Storage Solutions

March 9, 2021 by Paige Elliott

With the semester halfway over, a lot of Vandy freshman have expressed worry over the lack of cheap, convenient options for storing their microwaves, fridges, TVs, and other unwieldy appliances over summer break. What they don’t realize is that there’s an abundance of easy solutions out there to choose from, and some of them even have a 50% chance of keeping your stuff safe until next fall. And your risk of getting arrested is even lower! Without further ado, here are the top five ways Vandy students can take care of their microwaves, fridges, and other appliances over break.

1. Rent a unit at a storage facility

This is the go-to, it seems. Sure, if you choose the wrong facility it might cost you an arm and a leg. Sure, the storage unit next to yours may well contain an arm and a leg. As long as you never open it, you’ll never have to know, so what’s the big deal? Unless the guy renting the storage unit next to yours happens to be checking on his arm and leg collection when you go to drop off your mini fridge. We recommend accessing your storage unit during daylight hours.

2. Drive it home with you

No trunk space? Too many suitcases on the seats? No problem! Keep the fridge on your lap for the whole drive, all five to forty-five hours on average. For entertainment and blackmail purposes, you can even keep track of the number of times your parents refuse to stop at the next 7-Eleven so you can restore blood flow to your metatarsals. As for the people who are driving home by themselves, well, if that lady in the next lane can drive while slugging a 16-oz americano and putting on eyeliner in her rear view mirror, then you can definitely drive with a microwave and mini fridge in your lap. If you were a wiser freshman than I was and didn’t pack enough clothing to overflow a medium-sized sedan, you can stack your appliances in the passenger seat with a beanie and a mask and use them to sneak into the carpool lane.

3. Fly with it

In this case either your fridge and microwave will need to be packed, or you can buy them a ticket and treat them as a fellow passenger, perhaps utilizing the carpool lane disguise again. If you choose to pack them, since they’re electronics you’ll have to take them out of your luggage to go through the x-rays, which may raise a few eyebrows with the TSA. As such, however you choose to fly with your mini fridge, we recommend adding a few extra hours to your estimated travel time in case of delays.

4. Make gullible friends in the Nashville area

Heyyy, Jerry! It’s so great to see you again! How’s the kids? Say, didn’t I hear you mention the other day that you could really use a mini fridge for the boat? Take a nice cold beer out on the lake for when the fish aren’t biting? No? Really? I could’ve sworn you were–well, shoot, now I don’t know what to do, because I rented this spiffy little mini fridge just for you. The whole summer, yeah. Gosh, I don’t know what I was thinking! Well, I guess I’ll just have to find somewhere to put it. I can’t just take it back, but you know I have to fly home tomorrow and I’m–you’ll take it? Really? Aww, gosh, Jerry, what would I do without you?

5. Hide it in the bushes behind Towers

Tape a few branches to your microwave, maybe creatively utilize a tarp, and we guarantee you, no one will find it until either the fall semester starts or, possibly, they get around to demolishing Towers. Correct us if we’re wrong, Towers kids, but it seems statistically unlikely anyone will be willingly hanging out there over summer break. If Towers isn’t up your alley, there are definitely parts of Stevenson that haven’t been witnessed by mortal eyes in over a decade. You could easily stash your flatscreen there. (For more information on the Thing Beneath Stevenson see MCL’s Top 5 Vanderbilt Conspiracy Theories.) And if you’re extra paranoid, all you need to do is schedule in a few free hours before your departure, roll up your sleeves, and grab a shovel. And maybe do some extra research on where those gravesites are on campus. Just in case.

(Please, Cornelius, I would totally pay to be able to store my appliances on campus. I’ll sign whatever waivers you need me to, I know how you feel about commitment! You’ve got to make back the revenue from the free washing machines somehow, Cornelius. I understand it’d be a logistical nightmare and you’d probably lose more money than you made, but isn’t there even one basement with a deadbolt you could toss just my fridge in? Do it for me?)

Filed Under: Humor, MCL Top Five, Satire

MCL’s Top 5 Reasons You Should Join the Cult of Bob’s Red Mill Oatmeal

March 2, 2021 by Paige Elliott

I have recently converted to the newest, truest religion sweeping Vanderbilt’s campus in an immense, divine Wave. Now I take up my pen to share my joy with my fellow students, and to inform them of the one true Faith. Here are the top five reasons you should convert to the worship of our lord and savior, Bob Red Mill, today.

1. His Apple Pieces and Cinnamon Oatmeal

Bob’s Apple Pieces and Cinnamon Oatmeal is the most perfect oatmeal ever to exist in this world. This is only natural, as the works of Bob were not formulated in this world, with its mean narrow minds and arbitrary physical limits. Bob Red Mill stretched down his hand from his Mill among the stars and gifted to His first devotees the secret of His delicious microwaveable oatmeal. To those who seek to understand its mysteries, who spread the sugar mixture among the oats in the correct motions and sequence, it reveals wisdom from the stardust realm of the Great Cereals, beyond the Milky Way. And like all of His greatest works, it is Gluten Free! A miracle!

2. His Blueberry Hazelnut Oatmeal

Bob’s Blueberry Hazelnut Oatmeal is an ecstatic experience beyond our rational understanding. Simply taste this oatmeal once, properly mixed by the spoon of a devotee, and you will ascend to another state of existence, nay, a new state of being. The blueberries, dark and luscious! The hazelnuts, subtle and nutty! The hint of salt, the mingling of Opposites, savory and sweet…! Oh, it is not possible to convey in our limited human language the brilliance of Bob Red Mill’s Blueberry Hazelnut Oatmeal. And this, too, is Gluten Free. Wonder of wonders!

3. His benevolent Visage

His wondrous Face beams out from the top of every oatmeal cup, giving us leave to contemplate His divine image. His friendly Gaze, his light blue hat, his skinny Southern tie with the buckle thing on it, his immaculate white Mustache and Beard. He looks like a grandfather, or a wise old uncle. This is a trustworthy Face, a reassuring Face. As a devout worshiper of Bob Red Mill, I have achieved enlightenment; my only remaining desire in this life is to sit beside Him at his Mill and hear his stories of the worlds beyond the Great Cereals.

4. His Bounty of miscellaneous food products and assorted grains

Bob Red Mill, in His greatness, did not only give us exceptional oatmeals, but also a wide range of whole-grain and other food products. His grains are ground with holy quartz millstones in several 120-year-old mills, if they are not older, representations on this mortal plane of His supreme Red Mill beyond the Milky Way. He has imparted unto us more than 400 products that we know of, and perhaps many more that we do not. According to Becky Hughes at Epicurious.com, just 8 Bob’s Red Mill products will change the way you cook–forever. This prophetess of Bob informs us that these are the flours, grains, and starches your pantry is missing. Is it such a stretch to imagine that Bob Red Mill might also provide the cosmic grains and starches that your spirit is missing?

5. The unique perfection of His doctrine

Of course, those unbelievers seeking to undermine our dogma always seem to come to the same fundamental issue, and it is a valid theological question, to be sure. If all the rest of His works so magnificent, why did He create his–I shudder to speak its name–Gluten Free Classic Oatmeal? What place has this abomination, this flavorless, strangely acidic monstrosity, among His revealed Oatmeals? Well, in answer I pose another question. Why would any god permit evil in the world? If you can come to any conclusion that satisfies you, take that conclusion and insert Gluten Free Classic Oatmeal wherever you see evil or sin. Then ask yourself: Can evil or sin as defined in your belief system be made palatable to a moral man with only a sparing addition of natural sugar? It cannot; in fact, ours is the only religion in which such a transformation can be achieved. These are the Wonders of Bob Red Mill; these are his divine Mysteries. Search your conscience, and you will know He truly deserves your reverence, and your meal swipes.  No meal swipe spent on Bob’s Red Mill is ever truly lost, but rather multiplied and magnified in His glory.   Bob Red Mill, most ancient of the Ancient Grains, Milliner of Kings!

In conclusion: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, and Bob is the Breakfast of our souls. So it has been Written, and so it shall remain.

Filed Under: Humor, MCL Top Five

MCL’s Top 5 Vanderbilt Conspiracy Theories

February 23, 2021 by Paige Elliott

Of all the Vanderbilt student media groups, only MyCommonsLife’s intrepid reporters dare delve into the true depths of Vanderbilt’s seedy underbelly. Without further ado, here are the top five ways in which mysterious forces are manipulating our campus society toward agendas malevolent and unknown.

1. The Vanderbilt squirrels are trained to eavesdrop on student conversations.

We all know birds aren’t real, but you might be surprised to learn they aren’t the only ubiquitous small animals that can be trained/programmed to spy for the state and other authorities. The Vanderbilt squirrels report directly to Chancellor Diermeier about student dissent, allowing him and the rest of the administration to take immediate and extreme disciplinary action. While past headmasters had to utilize an extensive system of signals and tiny whiteboards to understand the squirrels’ defamatory reports and security recommendations, Diermeier’s training in the dark arts allows him to understand their chittering like a Disney princess, which has significantly streamlined the process.

The more experienced squirrels tend to conduct their surveillance from inside trash cans, because not only is it unobtrusive, but that’s where they’re most likely to overhear students who’ve just finished their meals and are throwing away the cartons complaining about the dining halls. This is why you never hear anyone complain about the food at Vandy–it’s a capital offense, and anyone who makes a disparaging remark about the chicken in particular has been immediately disappeared.

2. Vanderbilt doesn’t offer a business major because it would make the student body too powerful to control.

Business majors are just too great. We already have our hands full with the magnificence of the econ and HOD majors, who, in a very “Harrison Bergeron”-like fashion, outshine the rest of the student body as the life-giving sun outshines the remote and ethereal stars; were Vanderbilt to allow the business-minded among us to achieve their full potential, our society would crumble under the force of their will. A private university is, after all, a type of business. This is also why the temperature in Branscomb is kept as low as possible at all times and the Munchie meal plan options have been drastically limited: The administration is keeping the econ majors weak and malnourished so that they lack the strength to realize their true, innate glory. (No, I don’t see what my business minor has to do with this theory. Journalism ethics are an invention of the lizard shadow government; I owe you nothing.)

3. The Covid-19 Testing Center is gathering DNA for mass cloning operations.

Think about it. Why is Vandy using the saliva test when everyone else seems to prefer the nasal swab? Because the saliva test is easier to perform and more stable in transport than the nasal swab? Don’t make us laugh. The saliva test collects way more DNA than the nasal swab, leaving plenty left over after cloning experiments gone wrong. The STEM departments run the actual cloning process, and they do in fact offer staff positions to students in the biomedical engineering program, so if that’s you and you’re looking for a good summer internship be sure to apply by walking three times around the FEL Center, whispering the password “Mr. C is my ideal life partner” into the nearest shrub, and finally folding your personal statement into a paper airplane and tossing it into traffic on the 440 south.

Our sources inform us the main goal of the operation is to create a clone army to sell to foreign militaries, though the STEM professors seem to be having some trouble marketing an army of scrawny, sleep-deprived college students to the North Korean security forces. All of these sources, of course, either received an email shortly afterward from the Office of Student Accountability and subsequently refused to speak with us beyond unintelligible deranged muttering, or in one case reported to Covid quarantine housing and were never seen again, so it’s difficult to corroborate their claims.

Alternatively, the Covid-19 Testing Center could just be dumping all our samples into the swimming pool-sized Saliva Vat located in the classified section of the tunnels under Branscomb, which is why there’s that weird smell in your dorm sometimes. The purpose of such an activity is unknown.

4. Students who get lost in Stevenson are fed to the demigod Groth’nag’leth.

What lies beneath Stevenson is beyond the descriptive Power of human language, for the Thing beneath Stevenson is a power unto Themself. What lies beneath Stevenson, specifically beneath the Suzies pickup area, is beyond mortal Terror, a surfeit of awe, a surfeit of Being that manifests as Hunger, a surfeit of Hunger that evades satisfaction, for if It were satisfied It would not be Groth’nag’leth. O, Dread Emanation of the engineering department, scourge of the Pre-meds with Your terrible gentleness, patience beyond measure, awful Mirror of the human condition, swoll’n with the despair of a thousand freshman chemistry students, accept these Offerings, led straying into Your merciful Grasp in the interminable tunnels of Medical Research Building III. Be nourished by the Center for Physics and Astronomy’s ample and beauteous bounty; in their last moments you will be as their Sun, and they will appreciate Your Awe. Consume now these Gifts, cunningly redirected to Medical Center North rather than Medical Center North II, doomed never to see the Joe and Howard Werthan Building except in the ecstatic and corrosive Omniscience that pools between Your ever-widening jaws.

Great Groth’nag’leth, Heir to the Unknowable, we offer Thee these youths, and in return all we ask is that You in your infinite Patience delay Your maddening Ascension until our fragile mortal bodies have naturally expired, and our spirits have left behind this plane that Thou art destined to Envelop. Give us leave never to look upon Thy dread Face, and we will show Thee all the reverence owed to Groth’nag’leth Steven’s Son, Fear-Brother, Labyrinthine, the One Which Contains Multitudes.

5. The Randwich is actually the exact same thing as the Commons Magnolia sandwich.

Okay, this one is a little far-fetched, even for us. But we feel obligated to at least inform you of this unlikely theory, which was posited to us in a whisper by an unknown source hiding behind a fake plant in the Office of Student Accountability. This source insisted that, if you compare the Randwich and Magnolia menus on the GET app, you will find them identical, or at least close enough that the difference becomes insignificant. Nor, they claimed, was the method used to prepare this sandwich in Rand in any way superior, or even distinct. Unfortunately, before this source could further substantiate their outlandish claim, our cameraman here at MCL was seized with an irrational rage and began screaming at them to stop saying these awful things, which unfortunately attracted the attention of the Office of Student Accountability. None of us remember what happened next, or in fact the name of our cameraman, whose existence we are only aware of now because he appears briefly in our archives speaking from out of frame. I, personally, first regained consciousness three days later, wandering around the Recreation Center gym covered in strange markings. My colleagues report similar experiences. Such are the hazards of journalism. But anyway, even we have to admit that this claim is preposterous, as the Randwich is clearly and undoubtedly superior to all other sandwiches served on Vanderbilt campus, in absolutely every way.

Filed Under: Humor, MCL Top Five, Satire

MCL’s Top 5 Actually Accurate Urban Legends

February 9, 2021 by Paige Elliott

If you’ve ever wondered about the crazy facts, creepy stories, and…other aspects of Vanderbilt and its history that Admissions won’t touch with a ten-foot pole, you’ll love this great list of weird stuff I found on the internet! From the Scooby-Doo equivalent of insurance fraud to secret government science projects to, uh, some technicalities about trees, here are MCL’s top five urban legends that are actually, probably, true.

1. Cornelius Vanderbilt may have been the victim of a paranormal inheritance scheme.

His hairline was scared away by the ghosts.

The Commodore’s involvement with spiritualism was long, eventful, and occasionally scandalous. I cannot recommend strongly enough this fascinating article that deals with it more extensively. After the Commodore’s death, he left around 95% of his considerable estate to his son William, leaving comparatively little to his one other surviving son and nine daughters, according to Wikipedia (but it’s totally reputable, I swear). Three of the children sued, stating that their elderly father was not in his right mind and unduly influenced by William when he drew up the will and therefore it was not valid.

The juiciest of these allegations was that William paid a spiritualist employed by Cornelius, a Mr. Stoddard, to claim that William was the only trustworthy child who should inherit, and that the rest hated him and eagerly awaited his demise. Stoddard reportedly followed orders, going into a “trance” and pretending to channel the spirit of William’s dead mother Sophia, Cornelius’ first wife.

Although the disputing children lost the case after a two-year trial (Cornelius had always been noted for his incredibly strong, stubborn will and William had served as operations manager of his business empire in his final years), their brother did afterward grant his siblings a greater share of his inheritance, probably to avoid further scandal but hopefully also out of some positive fraternal feeling. As for the truth of the matter with the lying psychic, now only the ghosts know for sure.

2. There’s a (possibly) haunted cemetery on Vanderbilt campus.

He’s procrastinating on his boo-ology homework.

On the topic of the undead, you may have noticed that there are a few statues, plaques, and other features resembling actual gravesites on campus. The fabulously named Bishop Holland Nimmons McTyeire, who has been called the driving force behind the founding of Vanderbilt University, is interred in a cemetery behind the Divinity School along with his wife, Amelia Townsend; Landon Garland, Vandy’s first chancellor; and several prominent bishops from the area whose graves Bishop McTyeire actually had moved to campus soon after its founding. (Gross.)

Chancellor Kirkland’s 1893 inaugural address noted of McTyeire, “[U]nder the shade of magnolias that his own hand planted, he sleepeth well.” McTyeire’s headstone–though luckily not his remains, and hopefully not his ghostly emanation–wandered Vanderbilt campus quite a bit after his burial, finally ending up in the Office of the University Chaplain and Religious Life in 2014. And yes, there are nonspecific rumors of his cemetery being haunted.

Unfortunately for anyone of the gothic persuasion among MCL’s readership, there’s no official map of the gravesites, headstones, and other memorials on Vanderbilt campus, but if there is a zombie apocalypse we have to assume the campus epicenter would be the Divinity School cemetery, meaning the undead would probably reach freshman housing in the order of Towers, Branscomb, and finally Commons, and optimistically they might be prevented from reaching Commons by traffic on 21st Avenue. Just another perk to living in Towers!

3. The Free Electron Laser was originally built to defend against missile attacks.

Surface-to-surface missiles: very pretty! Very unpleasant to be around.

The Vanderbilt University Free Electron Laser was originally developed by the Department of Defense as part of a missile defense program. However, its medical capabilities were soon prioritized, and in 2000 it was one of only five FEL centers in the country and the only one equipped to perform, and successful in performing, surgical operations. That year, in the first ever clinical use of such an instrument, a surgical team led by Dr. Michael Copeland used the FEL to remove a three centimeter-wide section of a golf ball-sized tumor on the surface of a woman’s brain.

The patient, 78-year-old Virginia Whitaker from Kansas City, wasn’t frightened by the fact that she was the first person ever to undergo such a procedure; in fact, she said of the surgery, “I think it’s a wonderful opportunity to help other people in my situation as well as to help the doctors learn more. That’s why I did it….For me, this had to be done no matter what, so it’s good that maybe it can help other people too.”

4. There’s a colony of monkeys in Wilson Hall.

Not a Wilson macaque, but it is a macaque.

Macaques, specifically. The monkeys are housed in an AAALAC-accredited animal care facility and used in psychology research. Since this Top 5 is very much not a robust or possibly even accurate academic source, you can learn much more about the Schall Lab’s monkey business at http://www.psy.vanderbilt.edu/faculty/schall/projects/. There appear to be three major projects running, along with some collaborative projects on the side; the major projects involve the neurological activity underlying target selection (for example, finding a T among Ls or an L among Ts), neural control and monitoring of saccadic eye movements, and Stochastic models of cognition and neurons.

5. The Vanderbilt campus is (kind of!) an arboretum.

A closeup of the Bicentennial Oak.

It’s complicated. Vandy was first called an arboretum in May 1879 by a publication called “Vanderbilt University Contributions 1878-79” found in the Vanderbilt University Special Collections and University Archives, which was, documentation-wise, the sole basis of its claims to arboretum-ness for most of its history. To be fair, there isn’t really one official definition of an arboretum out there; several organizations that accredit them have been founded more recently, and they tend to have different criteria.

The Vanderbilt arboretum really is impressive. It hosted 6,181 labeled trees in 2013, the oldest and most iconic being the Bicentennial Oak, which was alive during the Revolutionary War. The arboretum website is pretty cool and includes a list of “Ghost Trees of Vanderbilt Past,” which is wonderfully dramatic. (The URL is also excellent.)

In 1988 Vandy was registered as an arboretum with the American Public Gardens Association, and in October 2020 it received Level II out of IV accreditation from ArbNet, an international arboretum certification organization. Initially I thought that Level I was the pinnacle of academic arboriculture and therefore we aren’t far off, but in reality, the highest level of achievement is Level IV. (Harvard has it. Grr.) Achieving Level II does of course have some impressive and stringent criteria, but as I am not an arboriculturalist I was distracted laughing at the requirement that there be “one or more arboretum employees.”

Nowhere on the ArbNet website could I find the term “national arboretum,” and ArbNet is, in fact, an international organization. Furthermore, my research suggests that while there exists the US National Arboretum in DC, being a national arboretum…isn’t a real thing. Lacking the patience for such fine distinctions, the Vanderbilt official website does in fact state that we are a national arboretum; finding this hilariously bold and completely unqualified claim was the highlight of my research. (If it’s not there when you read this, it means someone in Admissions read my article and edited it out, in which case on one hand I’m flattered and thank you for reading, but on the other hand you are now my enemy and shall remain so until death.)

If you want more information, you can check out this great Hustler article on the subject! Tree geeks.

Bonus! Two more wild stories…

Cornelius 2: The Sideburns Returns.

6. In other Cornelius news, Cornelius Vanderbilt apparently once said, “If I had learned education I would not have had time to learn anything else.” This makes slightly more sense when you consider the various sources stating that he funded the university at his second wife’s request. Fascinatingly enough, the admissions website also attributes to him the quote, “Though I never had any education, no man has ever felt the lack more than I have, and no man appreciates the value of it more than I do and believes more than I do what it will do in the future.” Is this evidence of character growth?  Character deterioration?  Who knows; I couldn’t find dates for the quotes.

Albert Arnold Gore: Not nearly as good a name as Holland Nimmons McTyeire.

7. Al Gore dropped out of Vanderbilt twice, first failing out of the Divinity School and then leaving Vandy’s law school, and he was particularly badly at college science. Apparently he and Bill Clinton “shared one surprising trait from their school years, a tendency to procrastinate on subjects that did not enthrall them and then cram at the last minute.” Same. Check out this Washington Post article for a more complete account of his trials and travails; I hope it gives the chem students some comfort, or at least dulls the pain. We probably should’ve published this closer to midterms.

Filed Under: Humor, MCL Top Five

MCL’s Top 5 Things You’re Looking Forward To Over Break

November 17, 2020 by Paige Elliott

1. Seeing your pets

Needs no explanation.  Generally people’s top priority.

2. Getting coffee from *your* Starbucks

Or, like, taco place, mall outlet, favorite DMV building, etc.  That sort of thing.  Personally, I buy my coffee at home from an unaffiliated coffee shop with pretentious bookshelves, lots of hipsters, and, allegedly, roaches.  A dealbreaker for many, but luckily I haven’t yet seen one with my own eyes, so I will continue to order my tall coffee latte boba with medium ice about once every two weeks and very deliberately not look under the furniture.

3. Seeing your family

Haven’t you missed throwing down with your siblings physically and verbally over your/their clothing while your mom stands in the doorway telling you to eat more fruit?  Ah, those were the days.

4. Pets again

But will Geoffrey the banana snake remember me??  (Hint: It’s unlikely.)

5. Your home climate

Some of us are going home to a nice balmy 65 degree winter with minimal wind, fashionable but not particularly durable sweaters, and hot chocolate mainly prepared for aesthetic reasons.  Some of us are going home to wear six layers in ten inches.  If you belong to the latter category, please know that as a Californian who dodged the wildfires and heatwave-induced power outages, I will be laughing at you for the entire break.

Filed Under: Humor, MCL Top Five

MCL’s Top 5 Things to Get Done Before Going Home

November 10, 2020 by Paige Elliott

1. Check your travel dates against tests and major assignments

You may have to work ahead on something, so now is a very good time to check!  I, personally, have a thesis and report due the evening that I fly out.  I definitely would not want to be discovering that conflict in the middle of packing frantically at 2 a.m. the night before.

2. Make sure you’re clear on your state’s travel restrictions

Linked here is a very nice alphabetized list with some extra state-specific considerations noted, although you can also find plenty of other resources by just googling your state if you’re, say, a Wisconsin native and too lazy to scroll down a page or two.

3. Strategically schedule your next load of laundry

If you’re totally okay with stuffing a bunch of dirty clothes and sheets in a box to marinate in their own sweat stains for two months, then by all means ignore this one.  Otherwise, you should probably try to get one last load in a few days before you go so you can pack all of your remaining dirty stuff in your suitcase to wash and fumigate in the comfort of your own home.  If you’re on Commons this semester, you may want to try to do this a little earlier than the rest of us, given what’s been said about the tragic (or nonexistent) state of many of the houses’ laundry rooms.

4. Get a few days ahead on work

This is sort of an addendum to Recommendation #1.  Even if you don’t need to take jetlag into account, no one is going to want to be writing a whole paper, perfecting an instrument solo, or finishing up a lab report the day after five-to-ten hours of travel (or more!), so it’s probably a good idea to finish everything for the next day or two before you head out.  I’m saying this mostly because my Psych textbook taught me that two great ways to motivate yourself to achieve a goal are to write it down and tell people about it.  Whether I, personally, will actually muster the self-discipline to do this is extremely uncertain.  But it’s still good advice!

5. Take a break to notice how pretty campus is

If you are, like me, from a region not blessed with the tiny bundles of joy men call chipmunks in anywhere near the abundance Nashville seems to take for granted, then make sure you stop and pay attention, next time you see a chipmunk, to how absolutely adorable they are!  And also, sure, golden hour here is incredible; for maybe an hour before sunset all the red brick is warm and glowy and the falling leaves catch the sunlight on their way down, and the sky is a fantastic gradient of blues, and all the really good sunsets reflect beautifully off the windows on 25th Ave.  I highly recommend taking a walk somewhere around 4 p.m. before you head home. 🙂

Filed Under: Humor, MCL Top Five

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My Commons Life is not operated by Vanderbilt University. The views and opinions expressed in this publication are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect the policy or position of Vanderbilt University or its official representatives. Vanderbilt® and the Vanderbilt logos are registered trademarks of The Vanderbilt University. © 2021 Vanderbilt University