Mr. C. scares us very much. He has horrible blinding teeth and bad hair, and we feel like he definitely can kill and indeed has killed students using his chin as a bludgeoning weapon. For this reason, we thought we’d propose some alternative mascots to Mr. C., characters who we feel are much less likely to send us online death threats or mug us with a large blade in a dark alley. Without further adieu, Vandy, here are your candidates!
1. Geoffrey the Killer Cone Snail
We still want our mascot to be intimidating, but not just in a vaguely pervy way. If you want a mascot who poses a very real threat, look no further than Geoffrey the Killer Cone Snail. On the surface, sure, he’s a snail. Small, cute, harmless. That is, until he burrows under the sand to lie in ambush, harpoons an unsuspecting fish bigger than him with a razor sharp needle-like tooth on the end of a rapidly extending proboscis, and delivers a mix of more than a hundred neurotoxins so potent that there is no existing antidote, immobilizing the fish before killing it. Geoffrey then reels the fish into his throat on his proboscis and engulfs it. Yes, he swallows fish bigger than him whole. Some of them possibly still alive and paralyzed when he does it. And the venom can indeed kill humans.
UC Santa Cruz had the right idea, but they just missed the mark. Geoffrey, on the other hand, never misses. Ole Miss, better watch your back….
2. Torgo the Tulip Poplar
If Stanford can do it, why can’t we? Show your appreciation for the remarkable arboreal ecology of Tennessee by adopting Torgo the Tulip Poplar, the Tennessee State Tree, as our mascot in place of Mr. C! Elegant and formidable but somehow friendly, with his hardy flowers and strong trunk, Torgo is just the kind of kid-friendly mascot we need to inject some state loyalty and environmentalist fervor into the world of Vandy athletics.
3. Hvitserk the Historically Accurate Viking
He wields a great Ulfberth steel sword with blood grooves, and he has served five times in the shield wall of a great army. He fought under Ubbi Ragnarsson for years and earned two silver armbands for his valor and cleverness in battle. He loves mead, gold, and his wife and children back in Frisia. Last week he brutally murdered six monks. His favorite cheer is “ek þirbijaR ungandiR im, heþro dweno k! lina laukaR f!” and he does expect you to learn it. Please don’t make any comments about horns; we won’t be held responsible for what happens next.
4. Camilla the Career Adviser
Camilla wants Vandy’s athletic teams to win the game, but she also wants them to be realistic. She’s often late to halftime shows because she was networking with the other team’s coach. She can afford to meet for forty minutes with that tennis game tomorrow, but they really should have scheduled further ahead. But if you want a mascot who wants the best for you, who’ll support you through thick and thin, who’s probably seen you cry, and who may or may not have a secret stash of candy in her office, Camilla is the one for you.
We did something. Something terrible.
We underestimated the anathema that lurks beneath the human consciousness, bleeding out clotted and aching onto the fringes of imagination. And now we will be punished by our own corruption. What we’re trying to say is the mascot-making…it went too far.
Shh! What was that? A whisper on the wind.
It will hear us. It always hears us. Oh god, what have we wrought….
Clyde is very cuddly and good at cheers. Please vote Clyde for Vandy’s new mascot.