As Vandy students, I think we throw around the term “imposter syndrome” rather carelessly. I’ve gotten into the habit of coating my most candid statements in a glaze of sarcasm, and “imposter syndrome” definitely gets a nice, shiny makeover whenever I say it. But I think for me, and for many people I’ve talked to this first week of our second semester, that insidious imposter syndrome has made itself a permanent residence in our daily routine.
So my question for you is, How many times have you been to the library?
Last semester, I avoided the libraries like my life depended on it. Stevenson? No, I’m only taking one STEM class this semester. Central? I might annoy people while I wander trying to find my way around. Peabody? Well, there are people doing group work there, and I’m not.
The bottom line is that I relied all too heavily on my earbuds to block out the noise of Commons last semester. And while I like how cozy Commons feels on rainy mornings, and the hominess of my dorm desk, and the people I chat with in the Crawford common room, these were all just justifications for my avoidance of the library.
I didn’t go to the library last semester because I didn’t feel like I belonged there. It’s a silly manifestation of the serious self-doubt that I think many of us still hold. At least I certainly do.
The library is intimidating for many reasons. For one, Central in particular is an actual maze. People talk about the names of every level and the elevators that each go to different floors, and it sounds an awful lot like the changing staircases at Hogwarts. Beyond the navigational unknowns, Central is also just huge. My high school library had one room. Central has, like, a lot more than that. For me, the silence was also intimidating. If you’re trying to avoid being noticed, don’t unzip your backpack in Stevenson.
How dramatic.
But seriously. I had barely been to a library since middle school.
By the end of last semester, I grew desperate enough to attempt Central a second time, after my first visit in August. I went to the seventh floor. It was 7 a.m. on a Friday morning, and the library was mostly vacant. I meandered until I found a seat I liked, opened my laptop to begin work on my Spanish essay, and noticed the sunny light of the window and the strange freedom of silence hanging in my earbud-less head. By 11 a.m. (thanks to a canceled class), I had had my most productive 4-hour study session since move-in. Thanks, library.
I recognize that most people will find this post ridiculous. And yeah, it is. But a fear of the library is a bit more than just, you know, a fear of the library. Coming to Vanderbilt was intimidating for many of us because it was the first time we had to worry about the possibility of being at the bottom of the class, falling behind, or struggling to make an entirely new set of friends. The list goes on for sure, and I know that at least for a small collection of us the list includes using the library.
But I want to tell you, it’s not about the library. It’s about wondering whether you belong here, deserve to be here, and are a legitimate student at Vanderbilt. Let’s set the record straight: you don’t have to be taking 18 credit hours, getting into a research lab, or making waves in a student org to make those statements true, so don’t let your mind tell you otherwise. If going to the library means confirming to yourself that, yes, I too am a talented, curious, and interesting student at Vanderbilt, then you should go.
This semester as you’re making your study schedule, fit in times to go somewhere new. Remind yourself that spaces are physical representations of our internal beliefs, and inhabit them with a bit less trepidation.
Last semester I was pretty open about my irrational fear of the library, and most of the time I was met with either laughter or dismissal. But not every time. Although we’re all navigating this college experience with different compasses and different loads on our backs, you are not entirely alone.
It’s okay to still feel less than at-home here. But to prove to ourselves that one day this will feel more comfortable, more normal, we need to put ourselves out there sometimes, even if it’s just in going to the library.
Take care of yourself this semester.
(Here’s Sofia El-Shammaa’s article on how to get mental health support on campus.)