Because paying tuition isn’t enough.
1. Socks
Dear Parents,
I came to college with 22 pairs of socks. Two weeks in and I’m at 7. I’ve also turned all my whites bright red. No, I don’t know where they’re going. Yes, I’ve tried checking the machines. Sorry for always accusing you of losing my socks. It turns out it was a me-problem all along.
Thanks,
Your Laundry-challenged Sock-Eater.
2. Dayquil/Nyquil
Dear Parents,
Although a congested nose may help me in French, I’m afraid the brain fog that accompanies a cold may render Stevenson completely unnavigable. In good health, I accidentally wandered into a meeting for a business frat last Thursday. In poor health, I don’t want to know where I’d end up. To process my emotions, I’ve taken to poetry:
The Commodore Cough,
The Freshman Flu
Hear it and scoff,
But it’s coming for you
Thanks,
Your Future Poet Laureate
3. Sneaker Deodorizers
Dear Parents,
Who would’ve guessed that wearing the same pair of sneakers for 14 hours straight over 7 days a week wouldn’t be horrifically stinky? Febreeze and baby powder can only take you so far. Just because my dorm is the size of a shoebox doesn’t mean it should smell like one. Was this TMI? Who cares. SOS (Save our sinuses).
Thanks,
YourChildWhoDoesn’tActuallySmellButIsLookingOutForTheFutureOfHerDormIPromise.
4. Portable Battery
Dear Parents,
Do you remember when you told me that it wouldn’t be the end of the world if my phone died? This feels a little bit like an ‘I told you so’ moment. Without a charged phone, I can’t get into my dorm unless I, God forbid, ask someone for help.
Thanks,
And I told you so.
5. Water Bottle Brush & Dish Soap
Dear Parents,
After two weeks, I’m not sure that I’ve seen anyone clean their water bottle. Maybe I’m not looking in the right places, but if I continue to live like this I might start a bacterial culture on my straw before we hit midterms; especially if the legends regarding the Commodore Cough, Vandy Virus, or Freshman Flu turn out to be true. For the sake of preventing another world pandemic, I’m in desperate need of a funny shaped sponge and some Dawn.
Thanks,
Your soon-to-be biohazard.
Bonus: My Cat
Dear Parents,
This was just an excuse to post Frida on MCL. I do miss her, though, and I’m growing increasingly concerned about her weight. Please stop feeding her cheese in the morning.
Thanks,
Your daughter