I know what you’re thinking. How can this guy’s articles get any worse? Two quick things. First of all, allow me to join you in that self-deprecating sentiment. I’m just as scared as you are to see where all of this is going. Second, I’ll tell you how I plan to suck us all further down down my humongous, Mario-level pipe drain of insanity: with an article detailing the Top 5 Kitchen Appliances. Stop me if you’ve heard this one before. Otherwise, let’s get into it.
5. The Blender
Starting off our top 5 is the blender. While you may think that this appliance’s only use is for the creation of a delicious smoothie, there are so many other innovative ways to utilize it. Exhibit A: The Bass-O-Matic. With the simple addition of a fish and the easy subtraction of your sense of smell, the blender can easily become one of the most versatile factors in your cupboard. Exhibit B: A decorative vase perhaps. Think about it. If the only qualification for a vase is to be a tall glass bowl that can hold both water and a plant, the blender matches that description perfectly.
4. The Toaster
The breakfast STAPLE. Whether you use this appliance for toast or PopTarts in the morning, I think we can all agree that the toaster is an absolute essential to our lives. If you really like toast, how else would you get it? There is literally no store that sells hot toast. I mean you could probably get cold toast if you really wanted it from a restaurant or something, but hot toast? No chance. Without the toaster there would be no hot toast. As someone who often engages in the act of eating that one specific kind of toast, just the thought of there being no easily accessible hot toast is terrifying to me. If you’ve been living your life eating cold toast I salute you, but you’re crazy. You’ve probably never heard of electricity before, but I digress. Pro tip: there are two things that don’t belong in this appliance: leftover breakfast pizza and forks.
3. The Stove
You know those times where you’re out and about – maybe on a cruise – and you ask yourself “Did I leave the stove on?” EXACTLY. This kitchen appliance takes the number 3 spot on this list because it’s on our minds so much. How often do you think about your stove? Now compare that to how many times you think about any another object like your can opener. Divide by 3, carry the 5, and extrapolate the mainframe. That’s how valuable this appliance is. See what I mean? A lot of people think that the stove was invented with the purpose of eliminating the need to cook over a fire, but I have other ideas. I think that it was created strictly with the intention of burning your hand at the age of 5. Life lessons? Consider them learned.
2. The Oven
Without it, we wouldn’t have the simple things in life. Pizza, for instance. Another example that comes to mind are those blissful moments where you forget you’re baking something and the faint smell of burning casserole hits your nose. Speaking of which, peach cobbler sounds really good right now. Personally, the oven is my favorite kitchen appliance. I love the satisfaction derived from the sheer panic of sprinting to the oven, grabbing the mitts, throwing open the door, and surveying the burn damage. Ignorance is bliss until it sets off your fire alarm. Fun fact: I oddly didn’t find out that there’s a light inside the oven until 3 years ago.
Honorable mentions: the microwave, sink, and rice cooker.
- The Fridge
Ice cream. Frozen beef bourguignon. Wet peas. Where else would you find such delicacies other than in this magical realm where leftovers go to die? It’s a strange land, the fridge. You never really know what’s back there, and the urge to explore such a wilderness escapes you every time you want a snack. I speak from personal experience when I tell you I have no desire to go near such a cursed place. All we can assume is that any items near the front are the only things remotely edible. That jar of pickles from 2000-something? Don’t ask questions. That little head of suspiciously-colored cabbage in the crisper drawer from the trip to the grocery store that one time? It’ll just disappear eventually. All you have to do is nothing. Keep cool and carry on – the unconquerable fridge has already laid claim to your Ziploc bag of last month’s ham.
