Branscomb’s Laundry Room Is Not Bussin’

closeup photography of bong mask
This is what I might have to invest in soon. Anybody got any good gas mask recommendations?

Y’all, either Branscomb’s laundry room is directly above a sewer or some of the STEM kids are breeding a new type of mold ‘cus the noxious fumes in that room are extraterrestrial. I am literally gagging and fighting for my life as I drag my $2 plastic laundry basket from Target across the detergent ocean of that room. My nostrils are assaulted even through my mask, and I have to catapult my clothes into the washer before I run out of oxygen. I am not naïve enough to think that a college laundry room would be as sanitary as a hospital, but I also didn’t expect the potential dangers of inhaling Vandy’s own mustard gas. For those who don’t know, mustard gas is what you get when you mix bleach and ammonia, and it was used in World War I. But, Vandy’s version mixes the hopes and dreams of inexperienced college students with the Juul pods left behind in the dryers and the vomit stains from last night’s wild night. We aren’t in the trenches of a world war, but we are in the depths of a pandemic, so I guess it counts.

I would consider myself an experienced laundry washer (or whatever you call it) as I have been doing my own laundry since I was 13. I know some of the students here are brand new at washing their laundry, and may be making some mistakes with mixing detergent and bleach. But, I think the problem exists in buildup in the washers and improper cleaning. What I smell when I walk in that godforsaken room of washers and dryers is mildew mixed with black mold. There is no way that this is healthy to breathe in, or be in the presence of. I highly doubt these rooms are being cleaned, and if they are, I am concerned no alarms have been raised as to rectify this scent. I mean for all we know, it could be a bunch of dead rats decomposing under the Mount Everest of socks in the corner. I think the other issue is people close the washer doors after they transfer their load of sopping wet clothes. This creates a breeding ground for mold to throw their own frat party. So, if you’re reading this and you keep closing the door after your load, you are partially responsible for the smell and I am silently judging you through the screen. Yeah, I broke the fourth wall or whatever, fight me.

I am thankful that we don’t have to pay to wash our laundry with our already exuberant tuition costs, and I don’t expect perfection. But, I do expect just a general health inspection to make sure I am not breathing in noxious fumes that might make me grow a tail or something. Anyone who does laundry in that laundry room is truly a soldier worthy of high honors. I will be expecting a medal, Daniel Diermeier and maybe some high-tech weapons to annihilate whatever, or whoever, is growing in that basement.